by Elizabeth Deutsch

Introduction to Emotional Regulation

Emotion regulation refers to modulating one's state or behavior (initiating or inhibiting responses) in a given situation and the thoughts, feelings, and actions that result from that modulation. Functionally, emotion regulation can also refer to processes such as the tendency to focus one's attention to a task and the ability to suppress internal thoughts when someone else is speaking. In terms of child development, emotional regulation refers to a child’s ability to identify and manage feelings. As in every aspect of development, emotional regulation flourishes when the primary caregiver understands how to co-regulate with the child to serve as an example for how to listen and attend to their environment. Attentive caregivers who consistently meet the needs of children set the foundation for healthy emotional regulation. In early infancy, children need their caregivers to soothe them when distressed. If these needs are met consistently and promptly, children develop a sense of trust and security with those around them.

Children use these positive experiences with early caregivers to determine their own self-soothing strategies, and they begin to learn to manage their emotions.

As the co-regulators, caregivers model for children how to reflect and act upon feelings. Modeling for children the process of first thinking about the triggering event rather than reacting when feeling intense emotions will support a child’s understanding that their feelings are understood and valued, and that it is ok to express their anger when it is verbalized. Part of the process of building self esteem in a child involves teaching the value of reflecting on feelings and learning that there are different perspectives to consider, but that the child’s perspective is equally important. If these interactions go well, children build emotional regulation in appropriate ways, defined by the social norms of their culture. Emotional regulation is extremely important because it will shape how children interact with adults and each other, build empathy, lead to the desire to master new skills, as well as teach children to stand in their power.

The Role of Parents in Emotional Regulation

The role of the co-regulator is to recognize emotional distress signals and cues and to respond in a manner that thoughtfully meets the needs of the child. The role of the co-regulator later includes modeling positive emotional expression and providing words to label feelings. These strategies help children recognize what they are feeling and begin to manage their emotions in a healthy manner. As with many of the developmental milestones in young children’s lives, the ability to express feelings is also defined by societal expectations. While this is recommended practice, it is unreasonable to assume that the co-regulator, or caregiver, can manage all of the child’s demands and always respond with patience and the time to break information down. Toddlers will find ways to manipulate and control the dynamic and this can shift attention away from how to positively engage in shared experiences. There are times where a child will need to take time to self-regulate before the caregiver can safely engage and connect with soothing the child to support emotional regulation. A number of factors may inevitably impact the process of building emotional regulation, and in these instances, it will be important to consider skill deficits that need to be addressed.

Building a safe, supportive environment

In the first few years of life, children develop the necessary emotional building blocks to effectively express emotions with intention when provided with a safe and supportive environment. While the needs of an infant vary from those of a toddler, the bond between the child and their co-regulator, and the way the bond is formed will shape the child’s ability to eventually self-regulate. If the child’s needs are met, and they feel listened to, then that foundational work sets the tone for all future relationships.

Goals of Parent Education

The goal of the co-regulator is to make the connection for the child between thoughts and feelings, and to model appropriate social responses that reflect said thoughts and feelings. For instance, children from Western cultures often express negative and positive emotions in an active manner that includes facial expressions and gestures (Eckman, P. (1993). Facial Expression and Emotion. American Psychologist, 48, 384–392). It is part of social skill instruction in the United States to consider nonverbal communication and also encourage understanding the intentions of a person’s body language. Acknowledging and validating feelings and how they are perceived can teach the child to use meta-cognitive skills to acknowledge feelings and understand behavioral responses such that the child will learn to respond appropriately.

Foster healthier emotional responses in children

All children respond differently to their environment and recognizing the approach that works best to encourage regulation will be different for every child. As the co-regulator, it’s important to assess the following:

How does the child respond to others around them?
How much stimulation is too much for them?
How can you tell when the child is bored and requires more support in play based opportunities?
What is their level of attention to events around them?
What is the range of emotions shared?

Observing the child’s play

Observation of the child at play will provide guidelines that are specific to the child. The right balance of learning and play based opportunities, with cuddling and down time, can help children feel safe, secure, interested, and engaged. In addition to the value that play brings to language development and an understanding for social routines, play also allows for children to express difficult feelings and to process experiences. Play assists the mind with resolving conflicts and learning how to share thoughts and feelings safely.

Play opportunities allow the co-regulator to model appropriate ways to respond to feelings, while also providing reassurance that it’s ok to feel a variety of emotions.

Peers and siblings are the greatest models for a child’s social and play development regardless of their skill level. If there are discrepancies in skill level between peers, each peer has an opportunity to serve as a guide and in doing so their relationship serves as a model for developing gratitude while fostering play and language skills. Peer groups are the most influential support for a child with emotional regulation challenges. The child learns more about their own internal motivations through recognizing the motivations of those around them . To understand different perspectives, and to learn how to internalize feelings such that they become regulated will become guidelines for emotional regulation as the child enters school.

Predictable routines

There are multiple avenues for supporting emotional regulation, including creating predictable daily routines where children know what to expect. Routines can be presented visually for children to refer to as a way of encouraging security and meaning. If there are challenges around following through with routines (i.e. washing hands before meals, or brushing teeth), these could be opportunities to establish practice at home. Supporting the child with following routines will also give the child a sense of purpose and mark time so that there is an understanding of boundaries. Boundaries create the illusion of stability and serve to root the child in their every day experience.

Finally, the messages adults verbalize will become internalized by the child, and thus it is absolutely essential that co-regulators provide positive reinforcement in the form of encouraging emotional effort.

It is a powerful message to give a child the control in the dynamic in the form of acknowledging their attempts so that the child feels heard. Validation will propel the child forward such that they will show greater interest in others as they now know they are enough as they are. When a child is validated, they are ready to listen to someone else and provide positive feedback such that the loop of positive reinforcement becomes their experience. While it may not always be possible to stay in a positive mindset, it only takes a few experiences with success to feed a child’s desire to participate in opportunities that encourage the child to continue to work through the process of developing regulatory skills. Strong emotional regulation skills impact academic performance, career success, romantic relationships, mental health and well-being, and overall life satisfaction.

Addressing Emotional Challenges

When Emotional Dysregulation Becomes Persistent

These moments of emotional dysregulation are normal to some extent, especially in younger children. However, frequent emotional outbursts, challenges calming down, or a tendency to overreact to minor frustrations might indicate that your child needs extra support in developing their emotional regulation skills. A child who flies into a rage every time that they do not get what they want, throwing objects and yelling, is struggling to safely manage feeling disappointment. If there are concerns with emotional outbursts in social play and a real inability to take turns without an adult present, it might be a red flag that the child could use more support with building regulation skills.

How to respond during a tantrum or emotional outburst

When children lose their ability to self-regulate, it can feel very upsetting and lead to the desire to calm the child down as soon as possible, rather than taking a step back to allow for the child to self-soothe. In that moment of pause the child will learn to self-regulate. It may require feedback in the form of choices, or in telling the child to take pause and saying “I’m ready” when they can calmly ask for help. It is important for the child to understand there is time to change the behavior so that the requests are met without frustration.

Let’s consider a scenario with a three year old with sensory processing disorder (SPD) having a tantrum at the playground. The child is overwhelmed by the noise, movement, and the child who is competing with them for the swing resulting in a full on tantrum, including crying, flailing, and the inability to walk away from the swingset. As the co-regulator in this scenario, the goal is to gently and calmly move the child from the overstimulating environment to a quieter, less crowded area while speaking as calmly and firmly as possible (i.e. “Let’s step over here where it is quieter and less busy.”). It is always helpful to narrate the experience and what the expectation is to ground the child in their body. Once the child is removed from the stressful situation, consider assessing sensitivities the child is experiencing, including assessing hunger, light, and clothing (i.e. “Would you like a drink or snack to help you feel better? Do you need your hat?”). Provide calming tools or sensory strategies to self soothe (i.e. “Here’s your favorite fidget toy. Let’s try squeezing it together.”). Movement is effective for grounding children with SPD process sensory overload (“Would you like to return to the swing and take a turn?”). Ensure that the child first takes a moment to take a deep breath and once the child is calm, help them to understand what happened. Validate their feelings (“ The playground is a lot of noise and movement, isn’t it? I can see it made you feel upset”. ). Labeling emotions supports connecting feelings to words (i.e. “It looks like you were feeling scared or frustrated because it was so loud and busy and you had to wait for your favorite swing.”). Offer a safe choice to recommend, and then empower the child by allowing them to make the choice provided two safe choices (“Would you like to go to the swings or sit with me for a little while?”).

Create Tools for Future Situations

Once a child is regulated, the experience becomes the template for how to support the child in the future with self-regulation strategies.

Practice calm-down strategies together: work on movement strategies,sensory tools, or visualizing exercises in a calm moment (not during a tantrum). For example, use the following language as a model for the future (“When things get loud, we can try taking three deep belly breaths and use your fidget toy to help you stay calm”).
Plan ahead for triggers: familiarize yourself with environments that might trigger SPD responses. Plan for quieter spaces, bring sensory tools, or pre-teach calming routines.

Recent research on emotional regulation highlights its influence on grief, trauma, emotional intelligence, and education outcomes. Various therapeutic approaches like schema therapy, dialectical behavior therapy, and mindfulness-based strategies are widely used to enhance emotional regulation. Below is a list of notable research on Emotional Regulation.

Emotions and cognitive processes in labor activity: the role of emotional intelligence. N.A. Dahri & N.Moskalenko. (2024). University of Technology Malaysia.
Secondary effects of dialectical behavior therapy on social functioning, qualify of life, and autism traits in autistic adults with suicidality. A. Huntjens et al. (2024). University of Amsterdam, The Netherlands.
Self-Compassionate Classrooms: The Case of Early Childhood Education. Kubra Engin et al. (2025). The Pedagogies of Compassion and Care in Education.

Conclusion

Research demonstrates the broad applications of emotional regulation across mental health, education trauma recovery, and developmental psychology. Effective interventions such as DBT, schema therapy, and mindfulness are increasingly supported techniques for enhancing emotional self-regulation and resilience.

Supporting Emotional Regulation in Children